Post Reply 
 
Thread Rating:
  • 0 Votes - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
Today's Joke
Author Message
JEFF Offline
Senior Member
****

Posts: 371
Likes Given: 732
Likes Received: 447 in 225 posts
Joined: Sep 2015
Reputation: 4
Post: #21
RE: Today's Joke
So there was this female business executive who was late for a meeting. She is going 65 on a street where the speed limit is 40.

A cop pulls her over and says “ma’am, can I please see your license?”

She says “I’m sorry, officer, but I got it revoked two years ago for drunk driving.”

His brow furrows and he straightens up. “Well, can I please see the registration of your car?”

She says “I stole the car and I killed the driver; he’s in the trunk.”

“Ma’am, DON’T MOVE, I’m calling for backup.”

He mutters furiously into his walkie-talkie…

Five minutes later, half the squad pulls up, the Chief of Police walks over to the woman’s window.

“Ma’am, can I see your license?” he asks sternly.

“Of course, officer,” she smiles demurely and pulls out a license from her purse.

He squints warily at it. “This looks legitimate,” he mumbles.

“Can I see the registration to this car?”

She pulls it out of the glove compartment and hands it to him.

“Ma’am, stand back!”

He bangs open the trunk of the car and flinches: but it was completely empty…

The woman brandishes a finger at the first cop and says accusingly, “And I’ll bet that liar told you I was speeding too!!”
12-10-2015 07:23 PM
Find all posts by this user Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[-] The following 4 users Like JEFF's post:
Don (10-12-2015), Michael (10-20-2015), Robjenko (10-16-2015), Xprimentyl (10-12-2015)
Xprimentyl Offline
Senior Member
****

Posts: 492
Likes Given: 402
Likes Received: 777 in 379 posts
Joined: Apr 2015
Reputation: 2
Post: #22
RE: Today's Joke
(12-10-2015 07:23 PM)JEFF Wrote:  So there was this female business executive who was late for a meeting. She is going 65 on a street where the speed limit is 40.

A cop pulls her over and says “ma’am, can I please see your license?”

She says “I’m sorry, officer, but I got it revoked two years ago for drunk driving.”

His brow furrows and he straightens up. “Well, can I please see the registration of your car?”

She says “I stole the car and I killed the driver; he’s in the trunk.”

“Ma’am, DON’T MOVE, I’m calling for backup.”

He mutters furiously into his walkie-talkie…

Five minutes later, half the squad pulls up, the Chief of Police walks over to the woman’s window.

“Ma’am, can I see your license?” he asks sternly.

“Of course, officer,” she smiles demurely and pulls out a license from her purse.

He squints warily at it. “This looks legitimate,” he mumbles.

“Can I see the registration to this car?”

She pulls it out of the glove compartment and hands it to him.

“Ma’am, stand back!”

He bangs open the trunk of the car and flinches: but it was completely empty…

The woman brandishes a finger at the first cop and says accusingly, “And I’ll bet that liar told you I was speeding too!!”
Laugh1

There's no ‘I’ in ‘TEAM.’ There’s no ‘U’ either. It doesn’t appear the TEAM needs us, so let’s go grab a beer!Drinks
12-10-2015 07:38 PM
Find all posts by this user Like Post Quote this message in a reply
JEFF Offline
Senior Member
****

Posts: 371
Likes Given: 732
Likes Received: 447 in 225 posts
Joined: Sep 2015
Reputation: 4
Post: #23
RE: Today's Joke
My wife's submission for JotD:

[Image: wife%20mood%20ring_zpsy2lw6lr2.jpg]
16-10-2015 12:04 AM
Find all posts by this user Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[-] The following 2 users Like JEFF's post:
Michael (10-20-2015), TinWhisker (10-20-2015)
JEFF Offline
Senior Member
****

Posts: 371
Likes Given: 732
Likes Received: 447 in 225 posts
Joined: Sep 2015
Reputation: 4
Post: #24
RE: Today's Joke
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, ‘Kin ya swallar?’

The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, ‘Kin ya breathe?’ The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, ‘Ya know, I’d heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’ but I ain’t niver seed nobody do it!’
19-10-2015 10:44 PM
Find all posts by this user Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[-] The following 2 users Like JEFF's post:
Michael (10-20-2015), TinWhisker (10-20-2015)
TinWhisker Offline
Squonkin' with Sasquatch
*******
Senior Staff

Posts: 15,997
Likes Given: 23,212
Likes Received: 25,078 in 11,768 posts
Joined: Aug 2015
Reputation: 245
Post: #25
RE: Today's Joke
A husband and wife are at dinner celebrating their wedding anniversary. He asks her what she wants for their anniversary. She says "A divorce!" And he answers "Geez, I wasn't planning on spending that much!"
19-10-2015 11:31 PM
Find all posts by this user Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[-] The following 2 users Like TinWhisker's post:
JEFF (10-19-2015), Michael (10-20-2015)
TinWhisker Offline
Squonkin' with Sasquatch
*******
Senior Staff

Posts: 15,997
Likes Given: 23,212
Likes Received: 25,078 in 11,768 posts
Joined: Aug 2015
Reputation: 245
Post: #26
RE: Today's Joke
(10-10-2015 05:06 PM)JEFF Wrote:  2015: The year that America was offended by absolutely everything.

I don't like the way that reads, would you remove it?
20-10-2015 02:34 PM
Find all posts by this user Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[-] The following 3 users Like TinWhisker's post:
Don (10-20-2015), ecignut (10-24-2015), JEFF (10-20-2015)
Michael Offline
Oh, where have I gone off to...
*****

Posts: 6,754
Likes Given: 17,341
Likes Received: 7,449 in 3,871 posts
Joined: Sep 2014
Reputation: 60
Post: #27
RE: Today's Joke
I can't recall if I heard this here on the forum or on reddit, but it's funny enough to be told again so bear with me if you've heard it. 

A man from Texas is on vacation in Ireland and decides to visit a pub. When he gets there, he says "I'll give a hunnerd bucks to ennybody who can drank ten Guinness in a row."
Everybody just kind of looks at him, then goes on with what they were doing. One man who was playing snooker walks out of the bar. So the Texan sits down and has a couple shots of whiskey. A few minutes later, the man who left comes back, says he'll take the Texan's bet, and chugs all ten Guinness in under two minutes. As the Texan is paying the man his hundred dollars, he asks "what'd ya leave for earlier?" 
The Irishman replies, "I had to go to the pub down the street and see if I could do it."
20-10-2015 02:36 PM
Visit this user's website Find all posts by this user Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[-] The following 3 users Like Michael's post:
ecignut (10-24-2015), TinWhisker (10-20-2015), Xprimentyl (10-21-2015)
TinWhisker Offline
Squonkin' with Sasquatch
*******
Senior Staff

Posts: 15,997
Likes Given: 23,212
Likes Received: 25,078 in 11,768 posts
Joined: Aug 2015
Reputation: 245
Post: #28
RE: Today's Joke
A seagull flies over the sea. What do you call a gull that flies over the bay? A bagel.
Really though, what kind of bagel can fly? A plain bagel, of course!

What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but their flag is a huge plus!

What's large, grey, and doesn't matter?
An irrelephant.

What do you call an alligator that wears a vest?
An investigator.

Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
They taste funny.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick.
20-10-2015 02:52 PM
Find all posts by this user Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[-] The following 4 users Like TinWhisker's post:
Don (10-20-2015), ecignut (10-24-2015), JEFF (10-20-2015), Michael (10-20-2015)
backyardhunter Offline
Member
***

Posts: 50
Likes Given: 13
Likes Received: 52 in 23 posts
Joined: Jul 2015
Reputation: 0
Post: #29
RE: Today's Joke
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan
arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my
husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident
down at the Guinness brewery"
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."  
"I must, Brenda.  Your husband Shamus is dead and gone.  I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?";
"It was terrible, Brenda.  He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout, and
drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus!  But you must tell me true, Tim, did he at least go
quickly?"
"Well, Brenda, no.  In fact, he got out three times to pee."
23-10-2015 08:41 PM
Find all posts by this user Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[-] The following 4 users Like backyardhunter's post:
Don (10-24-2015), ecignut (10-24-2015), JEFF (10-23-2015), Michael (10-25-2015)
JEFF Offline
Senior Member
****

Posts: 371
Likes Given: 732
Likes Received: 447 in 225 posts
Joined: Sep 2015
Reputation: 4
Post: #30
RE: Today's Joke
A Little Extra In The Soup....

Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and left them there.A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary can't believe it!

He said, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"

The other missionary said, "I just peed in the soup!"
25-10-2015 05:30 AM
Find all posts by this user Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[-] The following 1 user Likes JEFF's post:
Michael (10-25-2015)
Post Reply