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Today's Joke
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JEFF Offline
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Post: #1
Today's Joke
A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her - good looking as well.

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.

He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answer, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to sh*t yourself when I tell you the price!"
02-10-2015 09:13 PM
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JEFF Offline
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Post: #2
RE: Today's Joke
If con is the opposite of pro, then is Congress the opposite of progress?
03-10-2015 01:13 PM
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Kris Offline
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Post: #3
RE: Today's Joke
Excellent jokes, thanks. Keep it up Smile

Kris.
03-10-2015 02:35 PM
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JEFF Offline
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Post: #4
RE: Today's Joke
Today's Joke: A retired husband is often a wife’s full-time job.
04-10-2015 06:19 PM
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JEFF Offline
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Post: #5
RE: Today's Joke
This is more of a Thought of the Day type post than a Today's Joke.

A holy man was having a conversation with the Lord one day and said, 'Lord, I would like to know what Heaven and Hell are like.

The Lord led the holy man to two doors. He opened one of the doors and the holy man looked in. In the middle of the room was a large round table. In the middle of the table was a large pot of stew, which smelled delicious and made the holy man's mouth water.

The people sitting around the table were thin and sickly. They appeared to be famished. They were holding spoons with very long handles that were strapped to their arms and each found it possible to reach into the pot of stew and take a spoonful. But because the handle was longer than their arms, they could not get the spoons back into their mouths. The holy man shuddered at the sight of their misery and suffering.

The Lord said, 'You have seen Hell.' They went to the next room and opened the door. It was exactly the same as the first one.

There was the large round table with the large pot of stew which made the holy man's mouth water. The people were equipped with the same long-handled spoons, but here the people were well nourished and plump, laughing and talking.

The holy man said, 'I don't understand.'

'It is simple,' said the Lord. 'It requires but one skill. You see they have learned to feed each other, while the greedy think only of themselves.'
______________

Hmm...something to thinking about!
05-10-2015 05:53 PM
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TinWhisker Offline
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Post: #6
RE: Today's Joke
During a visit to the mental asylum, Guy asked the Director what the criterion was that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said Guy. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or teacup.

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'
05-10-2015 06:22 PM
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JEFF Offline
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Post: #7
RE: Today's Joke
Three elderly sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, shared a house together. One evening, the 96 year old sister went upstairs to take a bath. As she put her foot into the tub, she paused. Then she yelled down to the other two sisters and asked, "Was I getting in the tub or out?"

"You dern fool," said the 94 year old. "I'll come up and see." When she got half way up the stairs she paused. "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92 year old sister was sitting at the kitchen table drinking a cup of tea and thought, "I hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She shook her head and called out, "I'll be up to help you both as soon as I see who's at the door."
06-10-2015 04:24 PM
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Whiskey Offline
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Post: #8
RE: Today's Joke
[Image: tumblr_ndfs31zymp1qewacoo1_500_zps7eaa6201.jpg]
06-10-2015 08:31 PM
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JEFF Offline
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Post: #9
RE: Today's Joke
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."
07-10-2015 09:51 PM
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JEFF Offline
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Post: #10
RE: Today's Joke
Thought of the Day:
“If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.” ~ Yogi Berra
08-10-2015 03:54 PM
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